Thursday, December 2, 2010

Avoiding the Ups and Downs of the Holidays

Just thought I would re-post this as a reminder...

There’s no doubt that the holiday season is a bit emotional and draining for most people. Whether what they experience is negative or positive, there are ups and downs to the season for everyone. However, for those of us who have mood disorders, this time of year can be especially challenging. Some of us become very melancholy and fight depression and sad feelings. Some of us find ourselves lonely and easily slide into isolation and into a deep depression. Some of us find that the shorter days and lack of sunlight have a significant effect on our mood. And there are some of us who find our mood escalates during this time of the year.

I happen to be one of those folks whose mood escalates! I love this time of the year. And in years past (prior to diagnosis and medicine) I would literally be worse than a five-year-old strung out on Christmas cookies and sleep deprivation waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve! My mood would be so “up” that I couldn’t sleep for nights prior the church’s upcoming Christmas services. I literally would be over the top with decorations, spending and gift giving. Then when it was time to take down the tree, I would be depressed and irritable. In fact, in thirty years of marriage I do not believe I have ever helped take down the tree! My loving wife knew for years how I hated it and she would just do it when I was away from the house. (I’m thinking that this year it’s time I help!)

Since being diagnosed as bipolar I’ve come to understand that, along with my medicine, there are some things that I need to do so that my mood does not get out of hand. Paying attention to these 10 things has really helped me through the years. (Plus, I suspect you might have a few ideas that you could add to the list- which I encourage you to do by posting a comment!)

How to survive the ups and downs and flourish through the holidays:
1. Get plenty of rest.
Don’t underestimate the need for sleep and what happens to your mood when you don’t get enough rest! Sleep deprivation greatly affects your mood. In order to be at your emotional best, you must be well rested. When you are sleep deprived you will find yourself limited in your ability to cope with even the littlest things.

2. If there’s an easier way to do something, do it the easy way.
 Many of us approach Christmas with an attitude of making it the best that it can be, so we push ourselves to do too many things; then as we do all these things we want them to be “just right.” Somehow we get to thinking that if we don’t do this or that, that Christmas just won’t be the same!

Instead of doing a LOT of things on your list, choose to do fewer of them and do them the easy way! If you can cook a simpler meal, then do it. If you email your friends instead of sending out a Christmas card, then do it. If you can buy something through the mail or give a gift card, then do it!

Simplifying things causes less stress on you. Remember- stress agitates mood stabilization.

Remember that the best Christmas memories happen when people interact with one another. It’s not about a perfectly decorated tree. Rather, it’s about the fun of putting the tree up together!

3. Adjust your expectations.
Recognize that things will not be perfect (or even close to perfect). Those in the group of family and friends that usually irritate you will once again have the chance to “get under your skin.” That uncle or parent or child most likely hasn’t changed since last year. (Unless, of course, they have started to work on their issues or for some reason aren’t on this year’s guest list!)

Choose to have few to no expectations about Christmas. And when there are those precious moments, those “Kodak moments,” savor them. Then focus on those snap shots that you’ve taken with your memory. Choose not to focus on what went wrong or what was said by whom. It’s impossible to be disappointed by anyone or anything if you have no expectations!

Besides, the “Kodak moments” of life are not created, they just happen. And if you spend your time focusing on what you are disappointed with, you will miss them!

4. Plan something special following the holidays that you can look forward to doing.
Don’t put all of your “emotional eggs” into one basket. There is life after Christmas. So many of us put so much focus into the holidays that we really don’t think too much about what’s coming in January.

It seems that most of our society uses the first week of January to simply come out of the Christmas “stupor” and recover. This certainly happens to many people financially. We know that many folks are all too surprised and overwhelmed at how much money they spent during the holidays! That leads me to number five…

5. Don’t overspend.
It’s way too easy to overspend during the holidays. Overspending is especially easy to do if you are charging things. Most of us who are bipolar have definite issues with overspending. My wife and I no longer charge anything for the holidays.

It’s too easy to spend money you don’t have when you charge things. In fact, when we take cash along for shopping, we spend within our means because we can literally see what we have to spend. I believe the concept of not overspending helps us enjoy Christmas and the New Year more!

6. Don’t eat too many sweets.
Not only is it important to not overdo the sweats because of weight and health, but refined sugar is truly an “enemy” of those who have mood disorders. As all too many of us know, when you eat or drink something sweet you will get a little “sugar rush;” then when the rush is past, you will experience a low. Needless to say, for those of us with mood disorders this can be counterproductive to maintaining a healthy “mood range.”

It’s more than just a challenge for me to not overdo the sweets! I love them. And on top of that, I love coffee along with my sweets! Caffeine is another one of those “enemies” of mood! My doctor tells me that he could most likely produce a mild mania in someone by giving them enough caffeine. After all, caffeine is a drug.

7. If your mood “sags” then get out! If your mood “winds up” stay in!
We all need some sunlight. In the winter there is less of it. Also, we tend to spend more time inside during the winter. It’s important to spend some time outside taking in a little sunlight. At our house we have moved to full spectrum lighting which helps. If you have access to a tanning bed that does not give off the cancer causing UV rays, consider spending some time tanning this winter. I know in past winters when I have done this, it really helped my mood.

If you are able to afford it, taking a trip to a place where it is warm can really help break up the long bleak Midwest winters and help your mood.

If you are one whose mood “sags” during the holiday season; don’t allow yourself to isolate. Keep yourself busy. Plan to do things with others and just “fake it” until you begin to feel your mood lift. Socialization with other people helps your mood improve.

For those of us who “wind up” during the holidays it can be helpful to stay home and quiet ourselves by doing things around the house. For me, I know that if I start to run a list of errands and do all kinds of shopping, I can easily find myself “winding up” which is not good. During the holidays I also force myself to start doing some work that will need to be done in January and February. For instance, as a pastor I’m already working on Lent and Easter services. It helps me to not put all of my own “emotional eggs” into the Christmas basket.

8. Don’t isolate.
Loneliness is the single most difficult emotion that people deal with during the holidays. If you are going to be alone for the holidays and know that you will struggle with loneliness, then you need to develop a game plan that will enable you to be around people. Consider volunteering at the hospital or a homeless shelter on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Focus on others. Keep yourself busy. Find others that are also going to be alone and plan a Christmas dinner or a New Year’s Eve party with them. Or if you have a close friend that has family, spend time with them. Just don’t isolate. When we isolate we start to focus on being alone and then we easily ruminate about the sad feelings, causing our mood to slip lower and lower, even to the point of bringing about a depressive episode.

You might consider doing something that you really enjoy doing the day following a big holiday. For example, on December 26th consider doing something that is a “treat” for you along with some of your friends. It always helps to have something to look forward to.

9. Be accountable.
It’s so important to have a circle of accountability. When you have people that are going to check in on you and you checking in on others you begin to create a circle of accountability. It’s important to have those “check-in points” with others. And it is most helpful when those that check-in on us are also able to talk with the others that check are checking in on us and also have the ability to let our doctor or therapist know what is going on. It makes for a complete circle of accountability around us! And it’s a great way to keep ourselves emotionally safe and stable at all times.

10. Spend time with the Lord.
Spending time with the Lord is the most important thing to do. Spend time in the Word. Spend time in prayer. Spend time with others reading the Word and praying. After all, it’s all about Him. He made you and can very well manage your mood with His Word. However, many times people use this as the excuse to isolate. In other words, they get into the “it’s Jesus and me” kind of thinking, which sounds very spiritual but is not even biblical! (The Bible says that we need one another and are to never forsake the gathering of the Body of Christ in worship, etc.)

I suppose I could add an eleventh thing, but I believe it’s obvious. Take your medicine! If you suffer from a mood disorder it’s impossible to manage mood without it. You can’t get better without it. And take your medicine just the way that it was prescribed to you. If you don’t think it’s working, then you need to call your doctor and not make a decision about it on your own. Keep your doctor in the loop at all times.

If you find your mood sagging or escalating and you are not managing it well, you must call your doctor. Let him/her know. They very well might suggest a change in your medicine. Why? Because what you and I struggle with is in fact a physiological health issue. It’s just like diabetes. You need to take care of yourself, but sometimes you need more or less medicine just because of what your body is doing chemically.

If your brain chemistry is off, then the medicine will stabilize it. Having a mood disorder is NOT a character flaw nor is it a moral issue. It is a physical issue with the brain that affects behavior. And when left un-medicated it keeps us from behaving appropriately to the challenges of life! I choose to look at it this way: if I had diabetes I wouldn’t stop taking my insulin. And I would certainly understand that I could not make my body fix itself by just changing my thinking. The same is true with depression or bipolar disorder. Until you and I understand this and start to help others understand it, there will continue to be the stigma about mental health issues. We need to start with each of us understanding it first.

This year both of our grown children, their spouses and our two grandchildren will be home for Christmas. We are looking forward to a great Christmas together. And for me to stay on top of managing my mood is a very important part of making it a special time. After all, if Papa’s “out of control” it will be an “out of control” Christmas for everybody!

A peaceful, joy-filled, Spirit-led and mood-stable Christmas because of the stable of Bethlehem to all of you!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Unlocking the Puzzle of Recovery

Larry Drain is a fellow blogger who has many many readers!  He's also been a friend to me and has shared his insights regarding blogging.  Some time ago I asked him to write a piece for us here on the Fresh Hope blog and I'm finally getting it posted.  He has some great insights about unlocking the recovery puzzle.  Larry works in the mental health field.  (Thanks Larry!) I believe his insights will bless you as you press on with recovery:

For many of us recovery is a puzzle.  The picture on the box seems clear, but the pieces don't fit together so easily.

I think it is at least three pieces that fit together.  They don't stand alone.  The boundaries between them are more apparent than real.  The presence of one affects the strength of the others.  The absence of one makes the other two much harder to access.  But when these three pieces fit together recovery has a real chance and better life a reality that can be reached rather than a dream which disappoints.
  1. Knowledge-  First, and foremost, people need to become experts on themselves, their issues, the challenges they face and the resources available.  Recovery means to be in charge of your life, to make the decisions that you wish and to create the possibilities you value.  Without knowledge it is like steering a car blindfolded.  You will get somewhere, but probably not where you intend.  The gathering of knowledge, the development of expertise on yourself is a lifelong process.  Life is ever-changing and to be content with what you know is to become the victim of what you don't know.
  2. Experience-  Experiencing some improvement makes it more likely you continue to show other improvement.  As an academic exercise recovery soon becomes boring and overwhelming.  As a personal experience it is something you buy into and find out you have a large hunger to continue to do what you need to do to have more life.  You must act on what you know and it slowly becomes a momentum building process.  Practice doesn't make perfect.  It makes different.
  3. Support- Person after person has told me the most important thing for them has been to see others with similar issues prosper.  Seeing that it can be done, even when you are not sure of exactly how is so important.  Having enduring relationships with others that have a stake in life becoming better for you is a value beyond measure.  Recovery is not something you do to.  It is something you do with.
3 small things, but taken together, each feeding into the other recovery can become real to you and life can once again become something you had long ago forgotten it could be.



--
Larry and Linda Drain
www.hopeworkscommunity.wordpress.com
www.health.groups.yahoo.com/group/hopeworkscommunity
www.hopeworkscommunity.ning.com

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Facts on Mental Illness from a NAMI Volunteer


Recently I spoke at a "Stop the Stigma" seminar in Des Moines, Iowa and Teresa shared these facts and insights about mental illness.  She did a great job with them!  So, I asked her for permission to share them with all of you.  They are sobering facts and statistics and so important to understand.  NAMI is a great organization and has helped many families and individuals.  If you are not familiar with your local chapter of NAMI I encourage you to check it out and become a member.

My name is Teresa and I am a volunteer for NAMI - the National Alliance on Mental Illness of Greater Des Moines.

I am the parent of two adult children with serious mental illness.
Mental illness typically strikes young people between the ages of 15 and 25 – a time when they are trying to establish their independence, searching for a career, looking for a marital partner, and establishing themselves as an adult. 

One half of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by age 14, three-quarters by age 24.  Despite effective treatments, there are long delays – sometimes decades – between the first onset of symptoms and when people seek and receive treatment.

Approximately 12 years ago, my daughter was 15 and my son was 25.  They each had their break with reality within 30 days of each other.  My son was in military service and my daughter was just entering her sophomore year in high school.

We all experienced a profound sense of loss when the diagnosis of a serious mental illness was made, one which others find difficult to understand, since it is an illness that is stigmatized and one for which many mistakenly believe there is no hope for recovery.
Mental illness struck our family full force in the face.  It was a turning point for our family.  No more assuming everyone had good health.  No more assurance of what the future would bring. In the beginning, you are in a state of shock, feel completely overwhelmed, and isolated.  You lose your center of gravity.

As a parent you wonder where things went wrong – why did this happen to my kids – how can I fix it – how can I help them to get better – how can I protect them from a world that may not appreciate them as human beings and will too often be cruel, uncaring, and sarcastic.  Will there be other people who will still embrace them and love them and not blame them for their illness?  Who’s going to tell me what to do next?

The first 5 years were very difficult for all of us – weathering the ups and downs, searching for the right medications, waiting for an accurate diagnosis, finding understanding medical professionals, coming to terms with the fact they would need to manage their illnesses for the rest of their lives, and rediscovering their lives could have meaning. 

So they each received the label of a mental illness – another name for a serious brain disorder, a biological disease of the brain, a medical illness.  The label of a mental illness doesn’t define them – never has, never will.  I admire my children’s courage to face down this illness and to manage it. We know this is an illness without blame.  We know this illness is a flaw in brain chemistry, not character.
If your family is also living with mental illness, please realize you are not alone.  This is an equal opportunity disease.   Mental illness strikes families from all walks of life regardless of age, race, income, religion, or education.  1 out of 4 families is affected by mental illness in their lifetime. 

20% of the population lives with mild or moderate cases of mental illness.  6% of the population lives with severe mental illness.  Many have co-occurring mental health and addiction disorders or other medical conditions.   

The President’s New Freedom Commission Report on Mental Illness stated:
  • Mental disability is not a scandal – it is an illness, it is treatable, especially when treatment comes early.
  • The Commission’s findings confirm that there are unmet needs and that many barriers impede care for people with mental illnesses.
  • Mental illnesses are shockingly common, they affect almost every American family at some time in their life.
  • It can happen to a child, a sibling, a grandparent, a co-worker. 
  • It can happen to someone from any racial or ethnic background.
  • It can occur at any stage of life, from childhood to old age.
  • No community is unaffected by mental illnesses; no school or workplace is untouched.

When treatment is not sought, the cost can be unbearably high.
  • Over 50% of students with a mental disorder age 14 and older drop out of high school – the highest drop-out rate of any disability group. 
  • 70% of youth in juvenile justice systems have at least 1 mental disorder with at least 20% experiencing significant functional impairment from a serious mental illness
  • Job stability is difficult to maintain.  Poverty and homelessness are not unusual.  Relationships suffer.
  • Delays in treatment can lead to complicating factors of substance abuse and other health conditions. 
  • A report recently completed by the Treatment Advocacy Center and the National Sheriff’s Association states that in the United States there are now more than 3 times more seriously mentally ill person in jails and prisons than in hospitals.
  • Because of poor overall health care, statistics show that persons with severe mental illness live on average 25 years less than the general population.

Out-dated beliefs and mis-information – or the lack of information – have created an aura of fear
and that fear has fueled a cruel stigma that is devastating to the ill person and to their families and friends. 

The stigma of having a mental illness prevents many from seeking help.

So to me - the most shocking thing about mental illness is how little people know about it.

Did you know mental illness is more common than cancer, diabetes, and heart disease?

Did you know the treatment success rate for mental illness is 70-90%?  This is a better success rate than for heart disease – which is 41-52%.

There is the myth that “positive mental attitudes can prevent mental illness”.  Has a positive mental attitude ever prevented a brain tumor?  Epilepsy?  Parkinson’s?  They are brain disorders, too.

There is the myth that if you only “tried harder” or prayed long enough or had sufficient faith, you can overcome a severe mental illness.  This further reinforces to the ill person what a failure they are for having a mental illness.  It further internalizes the myth that only the weak would fall victim to such an illness.

Persons have been stigmatized by a false association between violence and mental illness that has been promoted by the news and entertainment media.  In fact, most persons with mental illness never behave violently, and the vast majority of those people who do behave violently are not mentally ill.  Research shows that people with mental illness are much more likely to be victims than perpetrators of violent crime (2.6X more likely to be a victim than the general population).

There is the myth that separates serious mental illnesses from the physical illness category.  This is tragic.  This split fuels the fires of denial, inhibits treatment and promotes discrimination in insurance coverage, housing, employment and access to services.

The first time the Surgeon General addressed mental health was 1999 – just over 10 years ago.

In the 1999 report, the Surgeon General said:
“Our society no longer can afford to view mental health as separate and unequal to general health.  It is a misconception that mental health or mental illness is unrelated to physical health or physical illness.  In fact, the two are inseparable.”

If you have a vision disorder, the organs of the body affected are the eyes.
If you have a hearing disorder and are deaf, organs of the human body affected are the ears.
The pancreas is an organ of the body.  A disorder of the pancreas is called diabetes.

Mental illnesses are brain disorders.  They are not defects in someone’s personality or a sign of poor moral character or lack of faith.  They certainly do not mean that the ill person is a failure.  Chemical imbalances in the brain, from unknown or incompletely known causes, are much of the reason for symptoms of mental illnesses.

Mental illnesses are like other organ diseases in which body chemistry changes.  The abnormal chemistry of mental illnesses affects brain function the same way that too little or too much of other body chemicals damage the heart, kidneys or liver.

 A heart attack is a symptom of serious heart disease, just as hearing voices, mood swings, withdrawal from social activities, or feeling out of control are common symptoms of a mental illness.

There are many points on the continuum of wellness, and different degrees of recovery that can be reached with medication, therapy, and a strong support system. 

Mental illnesses might more appropriately be called –
  • A neurological brain disorder
  • A brain disease
  • A physical illness
  • A  medical illness

An irreversible consequence of mental illness is suicide.

In America more than 34,000 Americans die by suicide each year, outnumbering homicide deaths by almost 2 to 1.  If 34,000 Americans had died by any other tragedy or any other disease – it would be considered a public health crisis.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for people ages 10-24 years.  Every month 330 young people complete suicide – that’s like a jumbo jetliner crashing every month.   More than 90% of those who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental disorder.

Suicide rates have increased in the military.  From 2005 to 2009, more than 1100 active duty service members committed suicide – an average of 1 suicide every 36 hours.  The Marine's suicide rate has more than doubled over the last three years, surpassing the Army's as the worst in the military.
Male veterans are twice as likely to die by suicide as compared with their civilian peers in the general US population.

In Iowa, an average of 328 Iowans (nearly 1 every day) have died of suicide each year since 2001.  The number of homicides averages 50 per year in comparison. 

In Polk County last year, there were 72 suicide deaths (more than 1 every week)

We have inadequate community services and a fragmented mental health system
We have huge gaps in the mental health workforce, treatment beds and services of all types, and funding. 

Except for metropolitan areas, the entire state of Iowa is in a mental health workforce shortage area.
Without an adequate workforce, you can’t have adequate availability of services.

Iowa is 47th in the nation for the number of psychiatrists
Iowa is 46th in the nation for the number of psychologists
Iowa is in the bottom 5 states for number of inpatient hospital beds.

The population of Iowa is around 3,000,000 – as mentioned before 6% of a population will have serious mental illness – that means there are approximately 180,000 persons with serious mental illness in Iowa.  We have an inadequate workforce across many professional levels.  The most striking is the number of psychiatrists – there are around 140 psychiatrists in private practice for the whole state for those 180,000 people. Statewide there are around 650 beds for the needs of those 180,000 persons with serious mental illness.  Those beds are full every day, 365 days of the year and people are being turned away.

In the Polk County area there is a population of around 400,000 people.  With 6% of any population group having severe mental illness – in Polk County that means around 24,000 people.

There are approximately 100 acute care beds for the needs of those 24,000 people in the Des Moines area between Iowa Lutheran, Mercy Franklin, and Broadlawns hospitals.

Most people don’t know where to call if they need help – there is no one door to walk through or one phone number to reach services.  Services are provided based on multiple program guidelines rather than what an individual needs are.

There is inadequate funding for a mental health system
Polk County is barred by state law (as are all other 98 counties) to raise additional funds for mental health services. County dollars are frozen at 1996 dollar levels. This inability to raise additional funds results in a lengthy waiting list for services.

Polk County has a waiting list of 650 and growing for disability services – 450 of those have mental illness – half of those are at risk of homelessness or hospitalization.  Over 5000 disabled are on state waiting lists to receive waiver services – services in their home.

The state legislature promised to take care of funding any growth in the mental health system when they froze the county’s ability to fund mental health services in 1996. They have not lived up to that promise.

There has been inadequate funding for disability services to eliminate waiting lists and provide for a continuum of care.  Budgets have been slashed, staff lost, beds closed, inadequate services, workforce shortages and open access to mental health medications are scheduled to be revoked in the Medicaid program.

There has not been the public outcry to fund an adequate system.  Instead, persons with mental illness are being thrown away into a much more expensive alternative – one with much poorer outcomes for everyone involved.

Too often, people receive punishment instead of treatment when in need of assistance
Jail and prisons have become de facto mental hospitals.  They are not structurally appropriate for patients, and the staffs are not recruited or trained as psychiatric caretakers.  We build prisons instead of recovery centers. 

The Iowa Dept. of Corrections has publicly stated 3500 of 8500 inmates have a diagnosable mental illness or around 40%. 

In historical perspective, we have returned to the early nineteenth century, when mentally ill persons filled our jails and prisons.  In the 1840’s, a reform movement, sparked by Dorothea Dix, led to more humane treatment of mentally ill persons.  As a result of Dorothea’s efforts, for over a hundred years, mentally ill individuals were treated in hospitals.  We have now returned to the conditions of the 1840’s by putting large numbers of mentally ill persons back into jails and prisons.

We advocate for more assisted outpatient treatment, jail diversion programs, mental health courts, and re-entry programming to divert persons into treatment.  Investment needs to be made in housing and supported employment programs as well.

To put all this information in perspective
Simply put, treatment works, if you can get it.  But in America today, it is clear that many people living with mental illness are not provided with the essential treatment they need.



I’d like to end with a meditation which was composed by one of our Board members.  It is a meditation for “Those Living With Mental Illness”

When I think about the unfairness of my mental illness
may I also find
the courage to reach out to others,
            the memory to recall I am not my illness,
            the patience to realize that difficult times pass,
            the wonder of the world of which I am a part,
            the joy in the simplest of things,
            the satisfaction in doing a random act of kindness,
            the gratification in completing a goal, however small,
            the energy that comes with laughter.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Never Give Up! Never!

You may have recently experienced a set back in your recovery.  Setbacks can be both discouraging and require time for repair of trust, reconciling relationships and recovering what was lost during the setback.  And this takes time.  It's at times like this that many times we want to quit; to give up.  If you are going through such a time please hear me clearly: never give up!  Never, never give up!  Never, every give up!

During some of my darkest days which came about as a result of a relapse that I suffered about eight years ago a dear friend of mine gave me the following poem that encouaged me greatly!  Just wanted to pass it along to you in this post for any of you who might be feeling like you want to quit:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.

When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When you might have won had you stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!
Author Unknown

Don't quit!  The best is yet to come!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Learning Hard Lessons on Helping Others

Recently I’ve said that I was going to hang a sign outside my office that would say, >“If you really don’t want to deal with your issues please don’t come in here and talk about them.”em> It’s most likely because I like to think I’m a problem solver. (However, I suspect some might say I’m a problem maker-which a whole other post…lol.) It might be because I’m a man. And it certainly could be (probably is) because I’ve struggled with codependency issues throughout my life. But, recently I’ve been learning that you can’t rescue people who just aren’t ready or don’t want to be rescued. You can’t help people who aren’t really ready for to help. And even though I speak the truth in love to them; it becomes “poisonous truth” when they are not ready to listen. And I’m also learning that at times as a true friend I have to offer tough love. It’s a process.

It’s been painful for me. But, I’m starting to understand. I certainly have a long ways to go in “getting it”. And I’ve have to come to terms with the fact that just because someone might share their struggles and pain with me it does not mean they are ready to deal with those things.

Just because someone comes to me to talk about their pain or the difficulty of their situation, it does not mean that they really want to or are ready to get better. Therefore, I should avoid the “rescue mode” and listen and help only as they allow me to help. Unless they are in a situation where they are possibly at risk of being hurt, hurting someone else or hurting themselves my job is not to “rescue” or intervene.

I’m learning that for me it’s not emotionally healthy to “rescue” and that my drive to do so comes from my own experience. See, I was a person who desperately needed help but feared help because I was so scared of what might be found and feared what it would mean. I so feared my own pain that I just wanted others to listen; help only if I didn’t have to experience any pain. I wanted others to know I was not a bad person but, each time they would start to touch my pain or get to the bottom of some things I really needed to come to terms with about myself I would “cut them out of my life”. I honestly believed that those who had tried to help were actually hurting me! What I regret is that out of my own fear and rejection of help—the bottom I had to reach was very deep and caused much pain to others and myself. I was a stubborn man. (Today I know that those who speak truth in love to me are those who really care and I need in my life!) Truth is, prior to my hitting bottom, no matter what anyone would have done or tried, I had to hit bottom. As much as I might feel driven to help others avoid a painful bottom by intervening (even to shove them out of their burning building) it’s not my job.

While all of this is true, there simply are some relationships that have ended in my life not because of me or even my desire to rescue them, but because they so much don’t want to get better that when there’s a little emotional health around them they have to run and get away. I’m starting to get it: it’s really not all about me! I’m starting to understand that it’s not my job to rescue unless intervention for the right reasons is needed. I’m starting to understand that I can’t save anyone from the pain they’ve experienced or even the pain that they are causing themselves! And I’m learning that it’s not my job to rescue, that’s the Lord’s job! More than anything I’m learning how incredible it is when people really do want help and allow someone to help them. WOW! It’s amazing what can happen when someone allows the truth, in love, to be spoken and it’s received.

What’s been your experience in helping others? What are you learning? When you needed help what was it that others did or didn’t do that was the most helpful to you?