It’s been painful for me. But, I’m starting to understand. I certainly have a long ways to go in “getting it”. And I’ve have to come to terms with the fact that just because someone might share their struggles and pain with me it does not mean they are ready to deal with those things.
Just because someone comes to me to talk about their pain or the difficulty of their situation, it does not mean that they really want to or are ready to get better. Therefore, I should avoid the “rescue mode” and listen and help only as they allow me to help. Unless they are in a situation where they are possibly at risk of being hurt, hurting someone else or hurting themselves my job is not to “rescue” or intervene.
I’m learning that for me it’s not emotionally healthy to “rescue” and that my drive to do so comes from my own experience. See, I was a person who desperately needed help but feared help because I was so scared of what might be found and feared what it would mean. I so feared my own pain that I just wanted others to listen; help only if I didn’t have to experience any pain. I wanted others to know I was not a bad person but, each time they would start to touch my pain or get to the bottom of some things I really needed to come to terms with about myself I would “cut them out of my life”. I honestly believed that those who had tried to help were actually hurting me! What I regret is that out of my own fear and rejection of help—the bottom I had to reach was very deep and caused much pain to others and myself. I was a stubborn man. (Today I know that those who speak truth in love to me are those who really care and I need in my life!) Truth is, prior to my hitting bottom, no matter what anyone would have done or tried, I had to hit bottom. As much as I might feel driven to help others avoid a painful bottom by intervening (even to shove them out of their burning building) it’s not my job.
While all of this is true, there simply are some relationships that have ended in my life not because of me or even my desire to rescue them, but because they so much don’t want to get better that when there’s a little emotional health around them they have to run and get away. I’m starting to get it: it’s really not all about me! I’m starting to understand that it’s not my job to rescue unless intervention for the right reasons is needed. I’m starting to understand that I can’t save anyone from the pain they’ve experienced or even the pain that they are causing themselves! And I’m learning that it’s not my job to rescue, that’s the Lord’s job! More than anything I’m learning how incredible it is when people really do want help and allow someone to help them. WOW! It’s amazing what can happen when someone allows the truth, in love, to be spoken and it’s received.
What’s been your experience in helping others? What are you learning? When you needed help what was it that others did or didn’t do that was the most helpful to you?
I recently had a friend call crying. She lives 3 hours from me. She lives with an alcohalic,and she is always defensive if anyone says anything about it. She said she was hiding from him in the basement, while he was upstairs smashing things. I told her she needed to get out of there, leave him, and call the cops. She is now mad that I would talk bad about this man and I had no right to say anything. I'm not sure what I'm learning, I tried to be a friend and have just gotten 4 nasty emails. I only told her this once. I feel like I'm lost in the whole situation,and really thinking about turning away from the friendship of 20 years.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous...I understand your frustration totally! I'm coming to the conclusion that you can try tough love and then sometimes you just have to let them "go" and hope that sooner or later they contact you and really do want help and are ready to take real steps to healing. Sounds to me that you have told your friend the truth and they are not at the point of need to do to get better etc. It sounds like you might have to put the friendship on "hold" until your friend is able to do what it is necessary to get better.
ReplyDeleteHi Brad,
ReplyDeleteI am usually good w/ helping others and don't mind, but due to my dad's illness this week and a friend/ reader suiciding this past weekend, I find not only can't I help myself, but I cannot seem to find anyone that is able to help me. I feel hopelessly lost and questioning and feel more lost than I have ever felt in my adult life. And alone. Any ideas?
Susan,
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest getting with a friend in person or on the phone and talk... talk it through. Too often when we feel lonely we isolate. Which of course can be the beginning a downward spiral. So, I'd encourage you to get at least one friend or more in person if possible or over the phone at least.
Hope that helps Susan!
Brad
When I worked as a therapist I wanted to focus on solutions rather than problems. And I needed to start not with what I thought my clients needed to do, but with where they wanted to go. I learned that they are much more likely to make changes if the changes are their idea.
ReplyDeleteTo find out what changes they wanted to make I could ask questions like, "What will be different about your life when this problem is solved?" "When things start getting better for you, how will you know? What do you think will be the first change that you notice?" "What will you be doing differently?" "When we finish working together, how will you know that we have been successful?"
This gives me a better idea of what my client wants out of therapy. We get a clearer idea of what we're working on, what we're trying to accomplish. The questions also subtly require the client to imagine a time when the problem is solved. They move the client toward an expectation that the problem will be solved.
I also liked to ask clients to tell me about the times when the problem is Not happening. They often were surprised to discover that the problem wasn't something that was going on constantly. And then I would ask how those non-problem times happened. What were they doing differently in those times? They may have already had some solutions that they were not consciously aware of. I also would ask, What have you tried? What has already worked for you?"
I would also try to discover their skills in other areas and wonder about how they might be applied to the current situation. And, since nothing but Christ is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, I could safely assume that by the time my client reached me the problem had already gone through some changes. So, I would ask, "How has it changed? How is it better? What did you do to make that happen" I want the client to assume and expect that change will happen. And to take some action to direct how that change happens. And I'm always listening for his ideas on how to do that because he is going to be more likely to use his ideas than mine.
If the client does not want to make changes in himself, I can focus on the changes he wants to see in his circumstances and what he will do to make that happen.
Great insight Richard!
ReplyDeleteNice blog. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
ReplyDelete