It’s been painful for me. But, I’m starting to understand. I certainly have a long ways to go in “getting it”. And I’ve have to come to terms with the fact that just because someone might share their struggles and pain with me it does not mean they are ready to deal with those things.
Just because someone comes to me to talk about their pain or the difficulty of their situation, it does not mean that they really want to or are ready to get better. Therefore, I should avoid the “rescue mode” and listen and help only as they allow me to help. Unless they are in a situation where they are possibly at risk of being hurt, hurting someone else or hurting themselves my job is not to “rescue” or intervene.
I’m learning that for me it’s not emotionally healthy to “rescue” and that my drive to do so comes from my own experience. See, I was a person who desperately needed help but feared help because I was so scared of what might be found and feared what it would mean. I so feared my own pain that I just wanted others to listen; help only if I didn’t have to experience any pain. I wanted others to know I was not a bad person but, each time they would start to touch my pain or get to the bottom of some things I really needed to come to terms with about myself I would “cut them out of my life”. I honestly believed that those who had tried to help were actually hurting me! What I regret is that out of my own fear and rejection of help—the bottom I had to reach was very deep and caused much pain to others and myself. I was a stubborn man. (Today I know that those who speak truth in love to me are those who really care and I need in my life!) Truth is, prior to my hitting bottom, no matter what anyone would have done or tried, I had to hit bottom. As much as I might feel driven to help others avoid a painful bottom by intervening (even to shove them out of their burning building) it’s not my job.
While all of this is true, there simply are some relationships that have ended in my life not because of me or even my desire to rescue them, but because they so much don’t want to get better that when there’s a little emotional health around them they have to run and get away. I’m starting to get it: it’s really not all about me! I’m starting to understand that it’s not my job to rescue unless intervention for the right reasons is needed. I’m starting to understand that I can’t save anyone from the pain they’ve experienced or even the pain that they are causing themselves! And I’m learning that it’s not my job to rescue, that’s the Lord’s job! More than anything I’m learning how incredible it is when people really do want help and allow someone to help them. WOW! It’s amazing what can happen when someone allows the truth, in love, to be spoken and it’s received.
What’s been your experience in helping others? What are you learning? When you needed help what was it that others did or didn’t do that was the most helpful to you?
