Dating with a Mood Disorder 101 by Bethany A. Matthews

Dating with a Mood Disorder 101

by Bethany A. Matthews  (Bethany is a guest blogger and a member of a Fresh Hope support group in Omaha, Nebraska.)

Back in my college days before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I remember my college sweetheart saying that my mood swings and oversleeping were “all in my head.” However, a couple years later (minus the boyfriend) I learned that what I suffered from was a mental illness that could be treated successfully with medication, counseling and self-care.

As I recovered, I began building a life for myself which included moving out on my own and planning a career. I also started dating again, but fear always won in the end. I didn't want to get hurt. I caught myself wondering. How do I get back in the game? What will my date say when I tell him I have bipolar disorder? Will he know what it is and understand? And, most importantly, when do I tell him?

After some trial and error, here is what I learned:

·         Don't sweat it. Dating is nerve-racking enough and there is no reason to let anxiety overwhelm you just because you have a mood disorder. Rest easy and realize that the other person is probably just as nervous. Who knows? Maybe he has a mood disorder, too.

·         Determining “when” is up to you. There are no hard and fast rules to disclosing your mood disorder. However, honesty is always the best policy. And, the more practice you get at reading people you will learn when the time is right and what words to use.

·         Take good care of yourself. The more attention and time you devote to your well-being – physical, mental, and spiritual – the better you will feel about yourself. With this comes  renewed self-confidence and raised self-esteem.

·         Choose dating activities you like. It's difficult to get excited and enjoy an activity when depressed. Make sure to take the reigns and give your date input regarding what you like to do so that you will enjoy your time together.

·         Use the opportunity to educate. Your date may be unaware and know nothing about mental illness. If so, take a moment and explain it. If he is compassionate and understanding, that's wonderful. If he isn't, move on.

·         Put the brakes on love. If you feel as if you need a break from the dating scene, go ahead and sit it out for awhile, especially if you feel you need some “me” time. You know yourself the best.

·         Ask for God's guidance. Dating is really about finding a potential lifetime partner. It's one of the biggest decisions you will make in life. Pray for His wisdom and you will be surprised at the blessings He will give you.

                                                                                                              Bethany

Thanks Bethany for a great post for our single readers of the Fresh Hope Blog!

Hope is Powerful!

A special thank you to Larry Drain, of the Hopeworks Community Blog for asking me to write a blog post especially for a special series of posts he ran called “Voices of Recovery”. Larry asked several recovery bloggers to write guest -posts for his blog which he has been putting up over the last few days. I thought I would share here on the Fresh Hope blog what I wrote for the special post on Hopeworks Community Blog

Here it is:

He showed up in the middle of the afternoon, sat down on the couch, and began to read from the notes he had taken from sermons preached by his pastor. He was reading words that had brought him hope out loud to the very man who had preached those words. The pastor sat there expressionless and numb; hardly able to hear him. I know. I was that pastor.

For the first time in my life I was experiencing the sharp daggers of depression. The pain was screaming so loud I couldn’t hear what he was reading. Not only did I have no hope, I wanted out of the pain and suicide seemed like the only way. Days were long and nights were even longer. Despair was a close friend. I had fallen into a deep hole—bottomless—that seemed to have come straight from the pits of hell.

That day was fifteen years ago. It’s been a long and at times a very slow journey since then. I’m thankful to have experienced all the pain and difficulties because today my life has more meaning and hope than ever before. Yet I never want to have to walk through that kind of pain again!

Fifteen years ago I was a pastor in a large growing dynamic church. My whole life was wrapped in and around that role. I was driven to do; to succeed; to conquer. Truth be told, the church was my idol. My relationship with the Lord was one of necessity so I could worship my idol and find my worth in my accomplishments. The church had grown from 800 to thousands in worship on Sunday mornings. While those close to me knew I could be demanding and hurtful, and had a long line of broken relationships behind me, they were most likely too afraid to say a word about it. By the time I crashed and burned I had most everyone around me convinced that they needed help, not me.

I had cried out to the Lord over and over to help me. The faster the church grew the more my private life reeled out of control. I felt like I had a monster inside of me that I couldn’t control anymore. On a Monday night in early May 1995 the Lord answered my prayer for help. Because He loves me He allowed me to feel the consequences of my out-of-control actions and risk-taking behaviors during an extended manic episode which ended in a very public humiliating way.

Now the pastor who had preached forgiveness, mercy and grace, desperately needed it himself. I needed hope. Hope was awfully hard to find in those initial days. However, there was a small group of people who understood that the accusations I faced were a result of being bipolar. The diagnosis that came some four months later was not an excuse for any of my crazy behaviors. Instead it was the explanation for them. Today I am a joyful and healthy pastor of the church started by that small group of people.

There were those at the time who said my career was over and that I was no longer fit for ministry. However, going through that pain and hurt makes me a much better pastor today than ever before. Today I am able to comfort others with the comfort that I experienced in those days so many years ago. There are so many things that I have learned about recovery and faith. Here are just a few of those things:

1. Having a mental disorder is not a moral issue nor is it a faith issue. It’s a physiological issue.

2. Since we are both body and spirit (the brain is part of the body- its organic) the best way to minister to our spirit and our mind is to read or listen to the word of God. I found in my deepest depression that simple music taken directly from the Scriptures seemed to sooth my soul. I listened to the same songs for months. Because concentration was such work hearing the songs over and over helped my spirit, mind and soul to absorb them.

3. The book of Psalms is a storehouse of truth and hope. Psalms like 23, 37, 42 etc. gave me great hope! It sure helped me to know that David most likely faced some pretty significant depression himself.

4. Mental illness affects our actions and behavior. Sometimes those actions are inappropriate and may even be sinful. But, those actions and behaviors are symptoms of the illness. Many of the things that many of us have done over the years were not choices that we made so much as the results of messed up brain chemistry. However, I’m still responsible for my actions and behaviors.

5. Never ever stop. The Bible is full of this kind of encouragement. When you are going through hell, don’t stop! Or you end up there! When you are catching hell, don’t hold it. The only time it’s over is if you quit. When you fall, get back up; that’s what the Psalmist says.

6. Choose to forgive (which of course is a process) those who have hurt you because they don’t “get it”. However, if they continue to hurt you they are not safe people and it’s OK to end the relationship. There’s nothing unchristian about that.

7. Just as there are people who are not safe, there are churches and pastors that are not safe. If a church doesn’t recognize mental health as a health issue but as a spiritual issue—run! There are toxic churches and toxic leaders. Recovery is hard enough. You don’t need it to be harder within the very place that is to be a safe place of support.

8. Watch out for “shame-based-grace” within the church. You’ll find it in any and all demonstrations and non-denominations. Jesus forgives. He offers grace. And He NEVER adds a “but” after he forgives. If you hearing things like, “Oh yes, of course you are forgiven. And yes, we love you. But…” watch out. A lot of people in the Christian church have a much distorted view of God’s grace and forgiveness based on a performance orientation in their lives.

9. Never forget how much God loves you! He loves you. He won’t leave you. He’s for you. And with Him for you—who can be against you? No one! Not even yourself!!! You may not always feel like these things are true. Don’t confuse that which is true with that which you feel. Faith is based on truth not feelings. Let God love you. I’m convinced that the hardest thing that most of us have to do is to “let” God love us.

10. Laugh at yourself. Take yourself less seriously. Laughter is a great gift from the Lord and sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “Oh Lord, what a sense of humor you have!” I’m convinced we need to laugh and be hugged more!

11. Stay away from Christians who act as though they have it all together. No one has it all together. We are all in process. No one has “arrived”. No one gets to cast the first stone. It’s too easy to feel like we are second class citizens in the body of Christ. But, we are not! In fact, we are all a bunch of beggars telling other beggars where to find the food.

12. Know that people’s opinions are like belly buttons—everyone has got one! Really the only opinions that matter are the opinions of those who love us and most importantly what the Lord has to say about us! And He has only good things to say about you through and because of His Son!