Just thought I would re-post this as a reminder...
There’s no doubt that the holiday season is a bit emotional and draining for most people. Whether what they experience is negative or positive, there are ups and downs to the season for everyone. However, for those of us who have mood disorders, this time of year can be especially challenging. Some of us become very melancholy and fight depression and sad feelings. Some of us find ourselves lonely and easily slide into isolation and into a deep depression. Some of us find that the shorter days and lack of sunlight have a significant effect on our mood. And there are some of us who find our mood escalates during this time of the year.
I happen to be one of those folks whose mood escalates! I love this time of the year. And in years past (prior to diagnosis and medicine) I would literally be worse than a five-year-old strung out on Christmas cookies and sleep deprivation waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve! My mood would be so “up” that I couldn’t sleep for nights prior the church’s upcoming Christmas services. I literally would be over the top with decorations, spending and gift giving. Then when it was time to take down the tree, I would be depressed and irritable. In fact, in thirty years of marriage I do not believe I have ever helped take down the tree! My loving wife knew for years how I hated it and she would just do it when I was away from the house. (I’m thinking that this year it’s time I help!)
Since being diagnosed as bipolar I’ve come to understand that, along with my medicine, there are some things that I need to do so that my mood does not get out of hand. Paying attention to these 10 things has really helped me through the years. (Plus, I suspect you might have a few ideas that you could add to the list- which I encourage you to do by posting a comment!)
How to survive and flourish through the holidays:
1.Get plenty of rest.
Don’t underestimate the need for sleep and what happens to your mood when you don’t get enough rest! Sleep deprivation greatly affects your mood. In order to be at your emotional best, you must be well rested. When you are sleep deprived you will find yourself limited in your ability to cope with even the littlest things.
2.If there’s an easier way to do something, do it the easy way.
Many of us approach Christmas with an attitude of making it the best that it can be, so we push ourselves to do too many things; then as we do all these things we want them to be “just right.” Somehow we get to thinking that if we don’t do this or that, that Christmas just won’t be the same!
Instead of doing a LOT of things on your list, choose to do fewer of them and do them the easy way! If you can cook a simpler meal, then do it. If you email your friends instead of sending out a Christmas card, then do it. If you can buy something through the mail or give a gift card, then do it!
Simplifying things causes less stress on you. Remember- stress agitates mood stabilization.
Remember that the best Christmas memories happen when people interact with one another. It’s not about a perfectly decorated tree. Rather, it’s about the fun of putting the tree up together!
3.Adjust your expectations.
Recognize that things will not be perfect (or even close to perfect). Those in the group of family and friends that usually irritate you will once again have the chance to “get under your skin.” That uncle or parent or child most likely hasn’t changed since last year. (Unless, of course, they have started to work on their issues or for some reason aren’t on this year’s guest list!)
Choose to have few to no expectations about Christmas. And when there are those precious moments, those “Kodak moments,” savor them. Then focus on those snap shots that you’ve taken with your memory. Choose not to focus on what went wrong or what was said by whom. It’s impossible to be disappointed by anyone or anything if you have no expectations!
Besides, the “Kodak moments” of life are not created, they just happen. And if you spend your time focusing on what you are disappointed with, you will miss them!
4.Plan something special following the holidays that you can look forward to doing.
Don’t put all of your “emotional eggs” into one basket. There is life after Christmas. So many of us put so much focus into the holidays that we really don’t think too much about what’s coming in January.
It seems that most of our society uses the first week of January to simply come out of the Christmas “stupor” and recover. This certainly happens to many people financially. We know that many folks are all too surprised and overwhelmed at how much money they spent during the holidays! That leads me to number five…
5.Don’t overspend.
It’s way too easy to overspend during the holidays. Overspending is especially easy to do if you are charging things. Most of us who are bipolar have definite issues with overspending. My wife and I no longer charge anything for the holidays.
It’s too easy to spend money you don’t have when you charge things. In fact, when we take cash along for shopping, we spend within our means because we can literally see what we have to spend. I believe the concept of not overspending helps us enjoy Christmas and the New Year more!
6.Don’t eat too many sweets.
Not only is it important to not overdo the sweats because of weight and health, but refined sugar is truly an “enemy” of those who have mood disorders. As all too many of us know, when you eat or drink something sweet you will get a little “sugar rush;” then when the rush is past, you will experience a low. Needless to say, for those of us with mood disorders this can be counterproductive to maintaining a healthy “mood range.”
It’s more than just a challenge for me to not overdo the sweets! I love them. And on top of that, I love coffee along with my sweets! Caffeine is another one of those “enemies” of mood! My doctor tells me that he could most likely produce a mild mania in someone by giving them enough caffeine. After all, caffeine is a drug.
7.If your mood “sags” then get out! If your mood “winds up” stay in!
We all need some sunlight. In the winter there is less of it. Also, we tend to spend more time inside during the winter. It’s important to spend some time outside taking in a little sunlight. At our house we have moved to full spectrum lighting which helps. If you have access to a tanning bed that does not give off the cancer causing UV rays, consider spending some time tanning this winter. I know in past winters when I have done this, it really helped my mood.
If you are able to afford it, taking a trip to a place where it is warm can really help break up the long bleak Midwest winters and help your mood.
If you are one whose mood “sags” during the holiday season; don’t allow yourself to isolate. Keep yourself busy. Plan to do things with others and just “fake it” until you begin to feel your mood lift. Socialization with other people helps your mood improve.
For those of us who “wind up” during the holidays it can be helpful to stay home and quiet ourselves by doing things around the house. For me, I know that if I start to run a list of errands and do all kinds of shopping, I can easily find myself “winding up” which is not good. During the holidays I also force myself to start doing some work that will need to be done in January and February. For instance, as a pastor I’m already working on Lent and Easter services. It helps me to not put all of my own “emotional eggs” into the Christmas basket.
8.Don’t isolate.
Loneliness is the single most difficult emotion that people deal with during the holidays. If you are going to be alone for the holidays and know that you will struggle with loneliness, then you need to develop a game plan that will enable you to be around people. Consider volunteering at the hospital or a homeless shelter on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Focus on others. Keep yourself busy. Find others that are also going to be alone and plan a Christmas dinner or a New Year’s Eve party with them. Or if you have a close friend that has family, spend time with them. Just don’t isolate. When we isolate we start to focus on being alone and then we easily ruminate about the sad feelings, causing our mood to slip lower and lower, even to the point of bringing about a depressive episode.
You might consider doing something that you really enjoy doing the day following a big holiday. For example, on December 26th consider doing something that is a “treat” for you along with some of your friends. It always helps to have something to look forward to.
9. Be accountable.
It’s so important to have a circle of accountability. When you have people that are going to check in on you and you checking in on others you begin to create a circle of accountability. It’s important to have those “check-in points” with others. And it is most helpful when those that check-in on us are also able to talk with the others that check are checking in on us and also have the ability to let our doctor or therapist know what is going on. It makes for a complete circle of accountability around us! And it’s a great way to keep ourselves emotionally safe and stable at all times.
10.Spend time with the Lord.
Spending time with the Lord is the most important thing to do. Spend time in the Word. Spend time in prayer. Spend time with others reading the Word and praying. After all, it’s all about Him. He made you and can very well manage your mood with His Word. However, many times people use this as the excuse to isolate. In other words, they get into the “it’s Jesus and me” kind of thinking, which sounds very spiritual but is not even biblical! (The Bible says that we need one another and are to never forsake the gathering of the Body of Christ in worship, etc.)
I suppose I could add an eleventh thing, but I believe it’s obvious. Take your medicine! If you suffer from a mood disorder it’s impossible to manage mood without it. You can’t get better without it. And take your medicine just the way that it was prescribed to you. If you don’t think it’s working, then you need to call your doctor and not make a decision about it on your own. Keep your doctor in the loop at all times.
If you find your mood sagging or escalating and you are not managing it well, you must call your doctor. Let him/her know. They very well might suggest a change in your medicine. Why? Because what you and I struggle with is in fact a physiological health issue. It’s just like diabetes. You need to take care of yourself, but sometimes you need more or less medicine just because of what your body is doing chemically.
If your brain chemistry is off, then the medicine will stabilize it. Having a mood disorder is NOT a character flaw nor is it a moral issue. It is a physical issue with the brain that affects behavior. And when left un-medicated it keeps us from behaving appropriately to the challenges of life! I choose to look at it this way: if I had diabetes I wouldn’t stop taking my insulin. And I would certainly understand that I could not make my body fix itself by just changing my thinking. The same is true with depression or bipolar disorder. Until you and I understand this and start to help others understand it, there will continue to be the stigma about mental health issues. We need to start with each of us understanding it first.
This year both of our grown children, their spouses and our two grandchildren will be home for Christmas. We are looking forward to a great Christmas together. And for me to stay on top of managing my mood is a very important part of making it a special time. After all, if Papa’s “out of control” it will be an “out of control” Christmas for everybody!
A peaceful, joy-filled, Spirit-led and mood-stable Christmas because of the stable of Bethlehem to all of you!
Maybe I’m an exception, but I hope not. When the doctor told me that she believed I was Bipolar I was relieved-big time! Why? Well, I had behaviors and problems that I could not explain. See, I had been accused of doing something that I couldn’t remember, nor was it something that I had ever desired to do when I was “sane” and in my “healthy mind.” I was out of control!
There were times that I would go out late at night driving as fast as I could on extremely hilly, gravel country roads. While going 80 miles an hour or more I would turn off the car lights, open the car door and put my foot out the open door. I know, it sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well, let me tell you--I felt crazy!
For years I couldn’t explain the roaring engine I felt within my mind. I couldn’t explain some of the erratic and strange behaviors I had. I couldn’t explain and felt extremely shameful about the sometimes hyper sexuality phases of mania. Honestly, there were periods of time I could not account for- they were like black outs. I remember recalling those feelings now as the “swirly whirly” times. I felt high like someone who had taken a “boat load” of drugs. Focusing was difficult. Yet, other times (I suppose at just the “right time” of a manic phase or maybe hypo-manic phase) I could focus and get more work done in four or five days of working solid with no sleep than most folks could get done in four or five weeks!
While I never truly had a depressed episode until the big “crash and burn” event, I did have episodes of extreme irritability during which I needed lots of sleep. So I would be awake for days with little sleep; working at an intensely hyper-creative rate, escaping at times by driving around very late at night. Then I would sleep for an extended period of time and feel “low.” During this time I would feel more melancholy, or reflective and mellow. But this phase of my mood swings would be for a very short time…and at times both of these moods happened at the same time!
Prior to being diagnosed I was certain that not only was there something wrong with me, but that I was a bad person. I saw myself as a weak person because I couldn’t control myself. My self-esteem had slipped as low as the pits of hell. I was so ashamed of this “dark side,” yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t change it. At times the only thing that would work to manage these out-of-control episodes was acting out in some shameful way so that regret and shame would bring my mood down.
So, when the doctor told me there was a name for all this unwanted, crazy behavior, I was so relieved! To top it off, there was medicine that would help me! Words don’t even begin to express the relief that I felt. Maybe that’s why I am surprised that there are so many people who have been diagnosed as being bipolar that not only struggle with coming to terms with the diagnosis, but actually refuse to believe it.
While finding out I was bipolar was a relief; I’ve come to meet many others whose diagnosis was anything but relief. It seems that so many who hear the word “bipolar” from their doctor contend that they are not bipolar, spending months and sometimes years trying to “prove” to others that they are not. Or they might simply refuse to take their medicine, believing somehow that they can “will” themselves out of the diagnosis. I’ve met countless people who have struggled greatly with accepting their diagnosis only to have spent years with more pain, frustration, broken relationships, missed opportunities, rage, hospital stays and all the other havoc that the disorder brings. They fight to prove that there is nothing wrong with them! Yet, they know in their heart that “something” is wrong, but refuse to believe or accept that what is wrong has to do with their brain chemistry.
Why? Most likely because of the stigma of having such a diagnosis. The stigma so often includes the idea that people with mental illness have character flaws and are “weak” mentally, etc. Most likely because most of us like to think we can control our thoughts and actions. Most likely because many times when you are bipolar you believe that everyone just doesn’t get what the issue is and you are convinced that everyone else needs the help.
So people refuse to come to terms with the diagnosis of bipolar. Yet, in refusing to do so they end up suffering even longer with all of the effects of the disease: losing their job, developing addictions to alcohol, drugs and sex (of course, this is just a few of the addictions), continually having relationship issues and many times loss of friends, broken marriages, emotionally hurting their children because of mood swings, inability to cope, and rage… the list could go on and on!
Maybe you are a person who is struggling with being bipolar, or maybe you don’t even believe you are and yet your doctor and everyone else around you are trying to convince you and encourage you to “get help.” Well, I’d love to offer some suggestions to possibly help you in coming to terms with your diagnosis:
Understand that being diagnosed as bipolar is not a death sentence. In other words, Or maybe I should say, you don’t have to die from being bipolar! In other words, there’s a chance if left untreated you will die from it…if you become suicidal it will be because you have not received treatment or refused to take medicine, etc.
Of all the mental illnesses, bipolar is the most treatable! Now, that’s cause for hope!
Trust me-you may not believe you have issues that come with being bipolar and un-medicated, but everyone around you most likely knows it and experiences the pain. Start trusting them. Most of them probably love you deeply… and why would they want to hurt you by trying to get you help?
If your doctor has misdiagnosed you, then the medicine isn’t going to work in the long run and you’ll continue to have the problems that you have been having.
Be honest with yourself about the issues that are going on in your life instead of being defensive about the issues.
You can’t overcome this by “sheer will” anymore than you overcome a brain tumor by “sheer will!” This is an issue with your brain chemistry and it is NOT an issue about your character, morality, inner strength, spirituality or faith.
You are NOT a bad person because you are bipolar; but you most likely have some bad behaviors that are hurting you and the people around you if you are refusing to receive treatment.
If you don’t come to terms with the diagnosis and receive treatment, you are not going to be able to become all of who you have the potential to be in life. You will be holding yourself back and it will not be anyone else’s issue other than your own! And along the way you will most likely hurt those you love.
You don’t want the stigma of the disorder? Well, the only way to change that is to start changing how YOU think about it first! In fact, as you recover and come to terms with it, people around you will see the changes and begin to change how they think about it. If you come to terms with it and begin the recovery, it’s likely that most people won’t even know you have the disorder unless you tell them. BUT, if you won’t come to terms with it, fight the recovery and don’t take your meds or work through your issues with a counselor, EVERYONE around you will know that you have something that is wrong! (You’re only fooling yourself if you think otherwise!)
Choose to believe the people around you that love you. They have nothing to gain from your diagnosis of bipolar disorder except to see you recover from that which is robbing you of life. Choose to stop being defensive as they try to help you. Choose to let them help you. And thank God that they haven’t stopped loving you so much that they continue to “hang in there” with you and haven’t become another one of your broken relationships!
You don’t have to let “bipolar” become who you are. You don’t have to become your diagnosis. There is a lot more to you than simply being “bipolar.” Don’t let it define you!
You don’t have to be a victim of the disorder. Choose to be a victor over it. Choose to “push through” and live in spite of it!
Choose to live!
Let people help you; when you get better you can help others.
Accountability for your behavior is good.
Are someone who had difficulties coming to term with your diagnosis. But, now have come to terms with it. What helped you in coming to terms with it? (I encourage you to post a comment- so that those who might be struggling with it yet- might also see what helped you.)
If you are struggling with accepting your diagnosis what do you believe is the reason? Or what is a question(s) that you would like to ask please post a comment.
Folks let’s get a dialog with one another here on the Fresh Hope blog.
Patty Duke’s book entitled “A Brilliant Madness” has an entire chapter focusing on the link between creativity and bipolar disorder.And I guess in some strange way I’ve always considered myself blessed to be bipolar.See, if I had to bear a cross in life I’d rather it be bipolar disorder than so many other things.To have bipolar disorder puts me and you in a very special group of people who are considered creative and/or brilliant!
For example the following musicians suffered bipolar disorder (Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, pg. 203, A Brilliant Madness): George Frederic Handel, Robert Schumann, Hugo Wolf, Hector Berlioz and Gustav Mahler.They were all very different in personality but all shared this disorder in common.Others such as Lord Byron, Edgar Allan Poe, Anne Sexton and Virginia Wolf and Vincent van Gogh all whom were most likely bipolar have made brilliant contributions to society. Such great leaders as Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln are just a few of the great leaders of history that also were most likely bipolar.
At the risk of sounding grandiose (which without medicine I can do well…lol), I choose to look at having bipolar disorder as being part of a group who are special and uniquely gifted to offer their creativity to the world.Certainly I know with it comes difficult things and issues that are painful, but I also choose to see the “upside” of it.
Over the years I’ve heard of a lot of people who begin taking medicine for their mood disorder and they begin to feel sluggish and tired.Frankly, they miss the highs!After all hypo-mania and mania can be a lot “fun” but also very damaging, but there’s a BIG cost to the “fun” of the highs.And the truth is that when we were manic or hypo-manic we could get a lot of things started (and sometimes even finished) and we were usually extremely creative.
I’ve heard that Handel locked himself in a room and wrote the Messiah with little to no sleep and extremely focused on writing the music.(This may be folklore- I’m not sure this is a fact) But, he was DRIVEN.He is always listed in the group of famous historical people who most likely had bipolar disorder. It would seem that he was not able to stop his brain with the creative flow of music to rest and maybe even to eat! I suspect he was in a creative manic high.But look what came out of it!
So, many of us like to argue the point that we are so much more creative when those “highs” came that “they” are “worth the cost”.But rather than looking at it that way, maybe we should be asking the question: If Handel had taken medicine for his bipolar disorder would we have ended up with the music of the “Messiah”?I believe the answer is yes!If he had had medicine to take we would have ended up with the Messiah and probably even more beautiful music from Handel.And his life would have been even more fulfilling and peaceful!
Yes, I know that that is very speculative. But, based upon my personal experience I believe it is true.I believe it because of what I have experienced with taking medicine for the last 14 years.What I have experienced is the ability to be highly creative and yet maintain balance and focus instead of a very driven chaotic creativeness. I experience a peaceful orderly ability to be creative and to follow through with the creativeness.I believe that I have not lost my creativity, but instead have gained the ability to be even more creative and enjoy it along the way!
One of things that many of us say initially after taking medicine is that we “miss the highs”.The other thing that many of us say is that we don’t like feeling sluggish and we no longer feel creative.So, just in case you are feeling that way right now, please give it time.Stay on your medicine.Work with your doctor in getting the right combination of medicine to stabilize your mood.Give your body time to adjust.Sooner or later your body and moods will begin to “settle in”.And sooner or later you will be creative again- and full of life - but in a new and healthy way!
Don’t give up!I’m living proof that it is possible!
Please post your comments and questions about your own journey of recovery.Let’s start a dialog!
Not long ago my wife and I went to see Bill Gaither (http://www.gaither.com) and his friends in concert. It was good! The last song they sang was “Because He Lives”… and while they sang suddenly a phrase of the song “stood out” to me as never before: “and life is worth the living just because He lives.” Boy, is that true! But, it’s ever so hard to even remotely believe much less do when you are experiencing the deepest darkest crevasses of depression.
Chances are if you are reading this blog you might be in that deep dark hole of the blackest black; that hole that clutches you and surrounds with nothing but dread, fear, anxiety and hopelessness.You might just might be struggling with even living today much less believing that life is worth living!And the love of those who love you causes not even the faintest emotion within you.You feel lifeless, numb to anything but dread.Feeling as though someone has pushed you down into the cesspool of life and you can’t breathe.And those around you keep saying, “get up, pull-up your boot straps!”
I know, I’ve been there.I’ve been at that point where I was curled up in the fetal position hiding in the closet with the lights out rocking back and forth with nothing else other that hot tears flowing down my cheeks.I know, I’ve been there.I was sure I couldn’t go on.Just to keep breathing was all I could do.I couldn’t think.I couldn’t believe.I couldn’t hope.I was stuck… stuck in dread…stuck in fear.No matter how hard I tried to “believe again” it didn’t help.I just need the faith of mustard seed of hope and I didn’t even have that.The days were dark and the nights were even darker and longer.There were no “boot-straps to pull-up”.
Life?Live? Keep going on? Yes!Why?Because He lives!Because He loves you.Because He is there with you.Because He feels your pain.Because He forgives you.Because He is in the business of working something good out of something so bad.Because even walking through this “valley of the shadow of death” is worth walking through.See, when you are going through hell don’t stop!
Today all you may be able to do is breathe.And if that is all you can do then just do that.If today you can just keep putting one foot in front of the other in spite of everything- just do that.Just do what you can do today.Take your medicine. Take a walk.Call a friend.Cry out to God. Watch these videos I’ve posted here.Today, just let Him love you.And as you take “just a step” day by day it will get better.Day by day “living life” will return.Day by day the darkness will subside.Day by day hope will return.And day by day life will be worth the living just because He lives!
He knows you.He loves you.He’s with you.And He is for you!
How alone do you feel?Do you have other people in your life that are going through similar things who can relate to you and help you in your shared journey?
It seems t that many of us spend too much of our lives feeling alone and isolated with our struggles. For whatever reason, we end up believing that our struggles are so unique that we are the “exception.”And for those of us who have mood disorders, it’s even more so!Because of the very nature of depression or mania, we end up isolating ourselves and feeling even more alone in our lives!So, we end up suffering all alone in silence way too long, trying to figure it out ourselves.That’s why having a support system is so important.
A support system made up of others who are experiencing or have experienced the same things is a key to understanding ourselves and a key to our recovery.When you and I know that there is someone who has “been there” and can assure us that things will get better, it gives us hope.There are times when someone else can give us insight into dealing with our mood disorder just by telling about their own journey.
For many years I didn’t seek out any type of support.I figured I could handle it myself.Plus, I was sure that I was unique in my struggles.Also, I had a lot of shame about my private behaviors and my thinking that kept me from wanting anyone else to know.And pride kept me from wanting to expose my struggles.So, while my pride and shame kept me from seeking out others who might understand, my bipolar disorder continued to worsen and wreak havoc in my life.
While I had no idea exactly what my struggle was, I felt as though I was living with a monster within that I couldn’t control and that it was my own fault or flaw!And I was certain that I didn’t want to open up about it to anyone for fear that they would conclude that I was weak (or had a character flaw) and couldn’t control my thoughts and behavior.And little did I know that by not seeking out others who could understand and help, I was just making things worse for myself and those that loved me.My stubbornness, shame and pride were all getting in the way of me overcoming my struggles.In the meantime, I just kept getting sicker.My mood swings became more and more dramatic and I was hurting those around me by my rapid cycling between my highs and lows and-at times-mixed moods.That is, until a major bipolar episode that was filled with shame and hurt that left me so broken that finding that support system was a necessity.
How about you?If you don’t have a support system, why not?Do you have any idea of how much help others who have gone through or are going through what you are going through can be to you?
Maybe you’ve experienced what I’ve experienced through a healthy and helpful support group; support and care!If so, post a comment here.It just might encourage someone to summon up the courage to go to that group to help them in a journey to wellness and wholeness… a discovery of fresh hope!
It was my second appointment with the Doctor. By now I had been to several group meetings. After hearing some of the crazy things that others had done who were bipolar I began to start wondering if I was possibly bipolar. So, I asked her, “Do you think I’m maybe bipolar?”
And she responded with firm, “Yes, of course you are.”And then she smiled.
And I responded by asking, “Why didn’t you tell me that the last time I was here?”
And she said, “Because you never shut-up long enough for me to talk!”
And I thought to myself, “I did NOT talk that much lady!”
See, after a very public and extremely painful manic episode that landed me a lot of trouble and the deepest depression, a doctor friend, believing she was helping me, had put me on an anti-depressant for the several months prior to my arriving at the hospital for out-patient treatment. By the time I got to the hospital in Michigan I was ready to run the place! I figured that I could do it better than they were doing it!
I was in rare form. I was in the crisis of my life and yet I was ready to take on the world! Welcome to the world of bipolar disorder. A world of roller coaster rides of ups and downs and sometimes ups and downs at the same time.It had been world of non-stop thoughts, exaggerated sense of superman-self and a dark world of bizarre behaviors.
I was so relieved.It explained so much.For, some had suggested that maybe it was nothing more than sin.Others wondered if it might be a personality disorder.But for me there was relief.There was a reason for this chaotic dark world of behavior that I had no explanation for that had left me feeling hopeless many nights.It meant that the “monster” that felt like lived inside of me was no longer going to get to control me.There now were reasons, not excuses, but reasons for the bizarre behaviors that had caused not only me, but the ones I love the so MUCH pain.
So, I simply couldn’t understand my wife’s tears when I told her.Why wasn’t she happy?She knew all too well what it meant.She knew the struggle all too well.She knew there were some very long and dark days ahead.And she was right.
As the next few weeks unfolded and the medicine began to stabilize my mood, reality began to be real again.The more reality got real; the more pain I began to feel.And I began to grieve.I grieved about what I had done and the people I had hurt.I grieved about having to live as someone with a mental illness.I grieved about what it meant for the future.Grief gave way to regret and the regret gave way to hopelessness.How could anything good come from what had happened?How could I move forward?How could I have hope?After all, the medicine made me feel bland and lifeless.So, why even bother to have hope?
Life as it was- was over.Back at home were two children and a wife that been hurt deeply.Back at home was a church that had been hurt along with leaders who had already asked me to resign before me even knowing what was really wrong.And there I was some 600 miles away in a motel room weeping.I was lonely, afraid and hopeless with no clue of how to move forward.I didn’t want to die but I wanted the peace of being dead.
Well, that was some thirteen years ago.That was then, this is now.And I have more hope than I’ve ever had before.It’s been a long journey to this point of fresh hope, but it has been worth it.And that’s the reason for this blog.To give you hope if you too are one who is possibly on the same journey.I’m hoping to offer up fresh hope to those of you who are bipolar.I’ll share my journey in this blog and together we can begin a dialog about getting up and choosing to live each day with hope.
Maybe today you are at a point of hopelessness or at best a point of lifeless indifference because of your medicine.Have hope my friend.The best is yet to come.Yes, THE BEST is yet to come!
