Friday, March 13, 2009

Life is Worth the Living! by Pastor Bradley Hoefs

Not long ago my wife and I went to see Bill Gaither (http://www.gaither.com) and his friends in concert. It was good! The last song they sang was “Because He Lives”… and while they sang suddenly a phrase of the song “stood out” to me as never before: “and life is worth the living just because He lives.” Boy, is that true! But, it’s ever so hard to even remotely believe much less do when you are experiencing the deepest darkest crevasses of depression.

Chances are if you are reading this blog you might be in that deep dark hole of the blackest black; that hole that clutches you and surrounds with nothing but dread, fear, anxiety and hopelessness. You might just might be struggling with even living today much less believing that life is worth living! And the love of those who love you causes not even the faintest emotion within you. You feel lifeless, numb to anything but dread. Feeling as though someone has pushed you down into the cesspool of life and you can’t breathe. And those around you keep saying, “get up, pull-up your boot straps!”

I know, I’ve been there. I’ve been at that point where I was curled up in the fetal position hiding in the closet with the lights out rocking back and forth with nothing else other that hot tears flowing down my cheeks. I know, I’ve been there. I was sure I couldn’t go on. Just to keep breathing was all I could do. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t believe. I couldn’t hope. I was stuck… stuck in dread…stuck in fear. No matter how hard I tried to “believe again” it didn’t help. I just need the faith of mustard seed of hope and I didn’t even have that. The days were dark and the nights were even darker and longer. There were no “boot-straps to pull-up”.

Life? Live? Keep going on? Yes! Why? Because He lives! Because He loves you. Because He is there with you. Because He feels your pain. Because He forgives you. Because He is in the business of working something good out of something so bad. Because even walking through this “valley of the shadow of death” is worth walking through. See, when you are going through hell don’t stop!

Today all you may be able to do is breathe. And if that is all you can do then just do that. If today you can just keep putting one foot in front of the other in spite of everything- just do that. Just do what you can do today. Take your medicine. Take a walk. Call a friend. Cry out to God. Watch these videos I’ve posted here. Today, just let Him love you. And as you take “just a step” day by day it will get better. Day by day “living life” will return. Day by day the darkness will subside. Day by day hope will return. And day by day life will be worth the living just because He lives!

He knows you. He loves you. He’s with you. And He is for you!

Pastor Brad Hoefs

Feel Alone in Your Struggle? Support Matters!

How alone do you feel? Do you have other people in your life that are going through similar things who can relate to you and help you in your shared journey?

It seems t that many of us spend too much of our lives feeling alone and isolated with our struggles. For whatever reason, we end up believing that our struggles are so unique that we are the “exception.” And for those of us who have mood disorders, it’s even more so! Because of the very nature of depression or mania, we end up isolating ourselves and feeling even more alone in our lives! So, we end up suffering all alone in silence way too long, trying to figure it out ourselves. That’s why having a support system is so important.

A support system made up of others who are experiencing or have experienced the same things is a key to understanding ourselves and a key to our recovery. When you and I know that there is someone who has “been there” and can assure us that things will get better, it gives us hope. There are times when someone else can give us insight into dealing with our mood disorder just by telling about their own journey.

For many years I didn’t seek out any type of support. I figured I could handle it myself. Plus, I was sure that I was unique in my struggles. Also, I had a lot of shame about my private behaviors and my thinking that kept me from wanting anyone else to know. And pride kept me from wanting to expose my struggles. So, while my pride and shame kept me from seeking out others who might understand, my bipolar disorder continued to worsen and wreak havoc in my life.

While I had no idea exactly what my struggle was, I felt as though I was living with a monster within that I couldn’t control and that it was my own fault or flaw! And I was certain that I didn’t want to open up about it to anyone for fear that they would conclude that I was weak (or had a character flaw) and couldn’t control my thoughts and behavior. And little did I know that by not seeking out others who could understand and help, I was just making things worse for myself and those that loved me. My stubbornness, shame and pride were all getting in the way of me overcoming my struggles. In the meantime, I just kept getting sicker. My mood swings became more and more dramatic and I was hurting those around me by my rapid cycling between my highs and lows and-at times-mixed moods. That is, until a major bipolar episode that was filled with shame and hurt that left me so broken that finding that support system was a necessity.

How about you? If you don’t have a support system, why not? Do you have any idea of how much help others who have gone through or are going through what you are going through can be to you?

Maybe you’ve experienced what I’ve experienced through a healthy and helpful support group; support and care! If so, post a comment here. It just might encourage someone to summon up the courage to go to that group to help them in a journey to wellness and wholeness… a discovery of fresh hope!

Bipolar? There is HOPE!

It was my second appointment with the Doctor. By now I had been to several group meetings. After hearing some of the crazy things that others had done who were bipolar I began to start wondering if I was possibly bipolar. So, I asked her, “Do you think I’m maybe bipolar?”

And she responded with firm, “Yes, of course you are.” And then she smiled.

And I responded by asking, “Why didn’t you tell me that the last time I was here?”

And she said, “Because you never shut-up long enough for me to talk!”

And I thought to myself, “I did NOT talk that much lady!”

See, after a very public and extremely painful manic episode that landed me a lot of trouble and the deepest depression, a doctor friend, believing she was helping me, had put me on an anti-depressant for the several months prior to my arriving at the hospital for out-patient treatment. By the time I got to the hospital in Michigan I was ready to run the place! I figured that I could do it better than they were doing it!

I was in rare form. I was in the crisis of my life and yet I was ready to take on the world! Welcome to the world of bipolar disorder. A world of roller coaster rides of ups and downs and sometimes ups and downs at the same time. It had been world of non-stop thoughts, exaggerated sense of superman-self and a dark world of bizarre behaviors.

I was so relieved. It explained so much. For, some had suggested that maybe it was nothing more than sin. Others wondered if it might be a personality disorder. But for me there was relief. There was a reason for this chaotic dark world of behavior that I had no explanation for that had left me feeling hopeless many nights. It meant that the “monster” that felt like lived inside of me was no longer going to get to control me. There now were reasons, not excuses, but reasons for the bizarre behaviors that had caused not only me, but the ones I love the so MUCH pain.

So, I simply couldn’t understand my wife’s tears when I told her. Why wasn’t she happy? She knew all too well what it meant. She knew the struggle all too well. She knew there were some very long and dark days ahead. And she was right.

As the next few weeks unfolded and the medicine began to stabilize my mood, reality began to be real again. The more reality got real; the more pain I began to feel. And I began to grieve. I grieved about what I had done and the people I had hurt. I grieved about having to live as someone with a mental illness. I grieved about what it meant for the future. Grief gave way to regret and the regret gave way to hopelessness. How could anything good come from what had happened? How could I move forward? How could I have hope? After all, the medicine made me feel bland and lifeless. So, why even bother to have hope?

Life as it was- was over. Back at home were two children and a wife that been hurt deeply. Back at home was a church that had been hurt along with leaders who had already asked me to resign before me even knowing what was really wrong. And there I was some 600 miles away in a motel room weeping. I was lonely, afraid and hopeless with no clue of how to move forward. I didn’t want to die but I wanted the peace of being dead.

Well, that was some thirteen years ago. That was then, this is now. And I have more hope than I’ve ever had before. It’s been a long journey to this point of fresh hope, but it has been worth it. And that’s the reason for this blog. To give you hope if you too are one who is possibly on the same journey. I’m hoping to offer up fresh hope to those of you who are bipolar. I’ll share my journey in this blog and together we can begin a dialog about getting up and choosing to live each day with hope.

Maybe today you are at a point of hopelessness or at best a point of lifeless indifference because of your medicine. Have hope my friend. The best is yet to come. Yes, THE BEST is yet to come!

Pastor Brad Hoefs

www.communityofgrace.net, www.FreshHope.us, www.HeyGod.net