There were times that I would go out late at night driving as fast as I could on extremely hilly, gravel country roads. While going 80 miles an hour or more I would turn off the car lights, open the car door and put my foot out the open door. I know, it sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well, let me tell you--I felt crazy!
For years I couldn’t explain the roaring engine I felt within my mind. I couldn’t explain some of the erratic and strange behaviors I had. I couldn’t explain and felt extremely shameful about the sometimes hyper sexuality phases of mania. Honestly, there were periods of time I could not account for- they were like black outs. I remember recalling those feelings now as the “swirly whirly” times. I felt high like someone who had taken a “boat load” of drugs. Focusing was difficult. Yet, other times (I suppose at just the “right time” of a manic phase or maybe hypo-manic phase) I could focus and get more work done in four or five days of working solid with no sleep than most folks could get done in four or five weeks!
While I never truly had a depressed episode until the big “crash and burn” event, I did have episodes of extreme irritability during which I needed lots of sleep. So I would be awake for days with little sleep; working at an intensely hyper-creative rate, escaping at times by driving around very late at night. Then I would sleep for an extended period of time and feel “low.” During this time I would feel more melancholy, or reflective and mellow. But this phase of my mood swings would be for a very short time…and at times both of these moods happened at the same time!
Prior to being diagnosed I was certain that not only was there something wrong with me, but that I was a bad person. I saw myself as a weak person because I couldn’t control myself. My self-esteem had slipped as low as the pits of hell. I was so ashamed of this “dark side,” yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t change it. At times the only thing that would work to manage these out-of-control episodes was acting out in some shameful way so that regret and shame would bring my mood down.
So, when the doctor told me there was a name for all this unwanted, crazy behavior, I was so relieved! To top it off, there was medicine that would help me! Words don’t even begin to express the relief that I felt. Maybe that’s why I am surprised that there are so many people who have been diagnosed as being bipolar that not only struggle with coming to terms with the diagnosis, but actually refuse to believe it.
While finding out I was bipolar was a relief; I’ve come to meet many others whose diagnosis was anything but relief. It seems that so many who hear the word “bipolar” from their doctor contend that they are not bipolar, spending months and sometimes years trying to “prove” to others that they are not. Or they might simply refuse to take their medicine, believing somehow that they can “will” themselves out of the diagnosis. I’ve met countless people who have struggled greatly with accepting their diagnosis only to have spent years with more pain, frustration, broken relationships, missed opportunities, rage, hospital stays and all the other havoc that the disorder brings. They fight to prove that there is nothing wrong with them! Yet, they know in their heart that “something” is wrong, but refuse to believe or accept that what is wrong has to do with their brain chemistry.
Why? Most likely because of the stigma of having such a diagnosis. The stigma so often includes the idea that people with mental illness have character flaws and are “weak” mentally, etc. Most likely because most of us like to think we can control our thoughts and actions. Most likely because many times when you are bipolar you believe that everyone just doesn’t get what the issue is and you are convinced that everyone else needs the help.
So people refuse to come to terms with the diagnosis of bipolar. Yet, in refusing to do so they end up suffering even longer with all of the effects of the disease: losing their job, developing addictions to alcohol, drugs and sex (of course, this is just a few of the addictions), continually having relationship issues and many times loss of friends, broken marriages, emotionally hurting their children because of mood swings, inability to cope, and rage… the list could go on and on!
Maybe you are a person who is struggling with being bipolar, or maybe you don’t even believe you are and yet your doctor and everyone else around you are trying to convince you and encourage you to “get help.” Well, I’d love to offer some suggestions to possibly help you in coming to terms with your diagnosis:
- Understand that being diagnosed as bipolar is not a death sentence. In other words, Or maybe I should say, you don’t have to die from being bipolar! In other words, there’s a chance if left untreated you will die from it…if you become suicidal it will be because you have not received treatment or refused to take medicine, etc.
- Of all the mental illnesses, bipolar is the most treatable! Now, that’s cause for hope!
- Trust me-you may not believe you have issues that come with being bipolar and un-medicated, but everyone around you most likely knows it and experiences the pain. Start trusting them. Most of them probably love you deeply… and why would they want to hurt you by trying to get you help?
- If your doctor has misdiagnosed you, then the medicine isn’t going to work in the long run and you’ll continue to have the problems that you have been having.
- Be honest with yourself about the issues that are going on in your life instead of being defensive about the issues.
- You can’t overcome this by “sheer will” anymore than you overcome a brain tumor by “sheer will!” This is an issue with your brain chemistry and it is NOT an issue about your character, morality, inner strength, spirituality or faith.
- You are NOT a bad person because you are bipolar; but you most likely have some bad behaviors that are hurting you and the people around you if you are refusing to receive treatment.
- If you don’t come to terms with the diagnosis and receive treatment, you are not going to be able to become all of who you have the potential to be in life. You will be holding yourself back and it will not be anyone else’s issue other than your own! And along the way you will most likely hurt those you love.
- You don’t want the stigma of the disorder? Well, the only way to change that is to start changing how YOU think about it first! In fact, as you recover and come to terms with it, people around you will see the changes and begin to change how they think about it. If you come to terms with it and begin the recovery, it’s likely that most people won’t even know you have the disorder unless you tell them. BUT, if you won’t come to terms with it, fight the recovery and don’t take your meds or work through your issues with a counselor, EVERYONE around you will know that you have something that is wrong! (You’re only fooling yourself if you think otherwise!)
- Choose to believe the people around you that love you. They have nothing to gain from your diagnosis of bipolar disorder except to see you recover from that which is robbing you of life. Choose to stop being defensive as they try to help you. Choose to let them help you. And thank God that they haven’t stopped loving you so much that they continue to “hang in there” with you and haven’t become another one of your broken relationships!
- You don’t have to let “bipolar” become who you are. You don’t have to become your diagnosis. There is a lot more to you than simply being “bipolar.” Don’t let it define you!
- You don’t have to be a victim of the disorder. Choose to be a victor over it. Choose to “push through” and live in spite of it!
- Choose to live!
- Let people help you; when you get better you can help others.
- Accountability for your behavior is good.
Are someone who had difficulties coming to term with your diagnosis. But, now have come to terms with it. What helped you in coming to terms with it? (I encourage you to post a comment- so that those who might be struggling with it yet- might also see what helped you.)
If you are struggling with accepting your diagnosis what do you believe is the reason? Or what is a question(s) that you would like to ask please post a comment.
Folks let’s get a dialog with one another here on the Fresh Hope blog.
Gripped by Grace,
Pastor Brad Hoefs
