"Dating with BP: Getting Back Into the Swing of Things" by Guest Writer Bethany Matthews

Here's a guest blogger's perspective on dating with Bipolar Disorder for all of our single subscribers:

Guest Blogger: Bethany Matthews

As my readers know, I was diagnosed in my early twenties with bipolar disorder. It took nearly 10 years to successfully treat it. However, along the way with new job opportunities and moving to a large metropolitan area, I couldn’t quite make the effort to get out and meet people, particularly single men my age. Dating had become more of a chore rather than a social activity I use to enjoy.

Dating was not new to me as I had plenty of opportunities and fun times in college. But once the bipolar disorder reared its ugly head, I had to make recovery the number one priority in my life.  When I became more comfortable with its symptoms and how to manage it, I became more confident with my interactions with others including single men I was interested in dating.

But, during those 10 years the medications added some weight gain and in addition my poor nutritional choices and lack of exercise made me feel more than a bit frumpy. I still felt attractive to a point, but yet I had a preconceived idea that since I wasn’t my normal pre-bipolar disorder weight that I shouldn’t even ask that cute guy at the local coffee shop out to a movie. My confidence took a nosedive.

I admit it is tricky at times to be a single thirty-something woman managing bipolar disorder and dating. Yet, you have to keep pushing forward. As my counselor told me last spring, “You need to get a life and start dating.” So, I did. I didn’t want to, but I took that first step and dated a man during the summer and while he wasn’t “the one” for me, my confidence returned. I started purchasing trendier clothing and wearing makeup again, as well as paying attention to details like painted toenails and highlights. I also started eating healthier and exercising which improved my mood and decreased the number on the scale.

What else helped me along the way? Setting some goals and thinking about what I wanted out of dating.

D – Decide what you want. Casual dating, but nothing serious? A committed relationship? Looking for a marriage partner? Figure out your intentions. Write them down if necessary and what you are looking for in a date/mate.

• A – Attitude.  Keep it positive.  Enough said.

• T – Try new things, but keep the old. Visit new places together and even try the old standby of a double-date if you are nervous.

• I – Insist on being safe. Don’t give out phone numbers and other personal information too soon especially if you are meeting someone through an online dating website.

• N – Need a break? Feel free to say “no” once in a while. If you aren’t feeling a “click” by the first few dates with a person don’t feel guilty by moving on.

• G – God is good. Always. Trust Him. Pray for God’s guidance and will for your dating and love life. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6

Fresh Hope Overcomes the Hopelessness from Mental Health Issues

Fresh Hope Overcomes the Hopelessness from Mental Health Issues

The Power of Encouragement

Recently I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about the power of encouragement.  When you’re discouraged, frustrated and down there is something extremely powerful when someone comes along side of you and tells you that they “believe in you”.  Especially when you don’t believe in yourself, it seems as though someone else “believing in you” to become a direct deposit of hope and confidence into your empty “self-confidence account”.  It’s as though someone encouraging you gives you hope and that hope begins to “leak into” your empty tank!

Discouragement comes with living.  Everyone experiences it.  However, those of us who have experienced mental health issues seem to be dragged down and held there in the dark abyss of discouragement more easily and longer than the average person.  I suspect this happens because any type of ongoing mental health issue strikes right at the heart of one’s self-confidence.  And having self-confidence is a key to “getting back up” after prolonged discouragement.  Of course, the difficulty with getting back up also is connected to how often one has been “knocked down” as well as the duration of each period of discouragement. 

Knowing that someone else is “with you”, “for you”, “believes in you” and “is there for you” breathes “fresh-confidence” into an empty and dried up confidence tank much like a soft gentle rain is to dried up, parched, ground.  Encouragement enables a fragile heart to beat stronger again.  Encouragement begins to create new thought patterns in a brain that desperately needs detoxing.  Encouragement feeds a hungry soul the hope that God still has a plan.

If you are discouraged and some “encouraging-encourager” comes along, let it soak into you.  Embrace it.  Enjoy it.  Savor it.  Build upon it.  And be sure to spend as much time as possible with that encourager.

An encourager who comes along in your life is a gift from the LORD.  Many times they become like “Jesus with skin on” for you and me.

If you know of someone who is discouraged begin to encourage them by your words and actions.  Encouragement is an interesting thing; when you give to others you get even more of it yourself.  It never ceases to amaze me that when you need encouraging and you encourage others all of a sudden your own “tank” gets filled up.

And most of all: be sure to lavishly soak yourself in the encouragement of the LORD through His Word.  In His word He reminds you of His GREAT love for you; His ability to take all things and work them out together for your good.  He assures you that He has a plan and a purpose for your life.  He also assures you that He will not leave you or forsake you.  And through His word His Holy Spirit works within you.  If you are not able to concentrate when you read His word then listen to Scripture songs and music. 

Recently I asked some of my friends on Facebook to tell me what encouragement meant to them.  Here’s just a few of the responses:

·         “Sometime the greatest encouragement I've gotten is when a friend just comes along side me, no words, a hug, and the bond of friendship that needs no spoken words!”  Cyndy

·         “Presence + compassion + support = encouragement.”  Pastor Mike

·        “No matter how small it may be, any sign that I am appreciated always encourages me.”  Karen

·         “Smiles, emails, hugs, calls, and when friends show support and pray for me.” Julie

·         “Years ago I had a friend call me from the hospital. The doctor had just told her she needed a heart transplant and she had no one to talk to. All the way to the hospital I repeated the same one-line prayer "Lord, give me the words." Months later, after her transplant, my friend called me, again. She wanted to apologize because she could not remember anything I said during that visit but she wanted me to know how much it meant to her that I was there. God taught me a big lesson!”  Kim

·         “We look for lofty words and often say or do things that are not in our character--all out of caring and wanting to encourage that person. But those ‘Barnabas moments’ as I love to call them, come from our presence and that shouldn't surprise us … isn't that just like God? Sometimes at my lowest moments I hear no voice but I feel His presence and I am encouraged and comforted because His presence is ALWAYS with me!”  Cyndy

·         “The Word of God and the Holy Spirit are my greatest source of encouragement. God has all the patience and solutions to my dilemmas.”  Bart

·         “If I’m in a worst case scenario mindset, my encourager would not let me stay there. An encourager would help me take responsibility for my thinking and steer me toward more hopeful and uplifting thoughts.  An encourager would remind me that all thing work together for those who love the Lord.  They would remind me to think on those things that are true and right. An encourager would not let me sit on a pity pot, or allow me to assonate my own character, as I have been prone to do. Also, they would help steer the subject to more hopeful and lovely thoughts after they are sure I feel heard helps. Which keeps me from RUMINATING!”  Carol

How have others encouraged you when you were discouraged?

Dating with a Mood Disorder 101 by Bethany A. Matthews

Dating with a Mood Disorder 101

by Bethany A. Matthews  (Bethany is a guest blogger and a member of a Fresh Hope support group in Omaha, Nebraska.)

Back in my college days before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I remember my college sweetheart saying that my mood swings and oversleeping were “all in my head.” However, a couple years later (minus the boyfriend) I learned that what I suffered from was a mental illness that could be treated successfully with medication, counseling and self-care.

As I recovered, I began building a life for myself which included moving out on my own and planning a career. I also started dating again, but fear always won in the end. I didn't want to get hurt. I caught myself wondering. How do I get back in the game? What will my date say when I tell him I have bipolar disorder? Will he know what it is and understand? And, most importantly, when do I tell him?

After some trial and error, here is what I learned:

·         Don't sweat it. Dating is nerve-racking enough and there is no reason to let anxiety overwhelm you just because you have a mood disorder. Rest easy and realize that the other person is probably just as nervous. Who knows? Maybe he has a mood disorder, too.

·         Determining “when” is up to you. There are no hard and fast rules to disclosing your mood disorder. However, honesty is always the best policy. And, the more practice you get at reading people you will learn when the time is right and what words to use.

·         Take good care of yourself. The more attention and time you devote to your well-being – physical, mental, and spiritual – the better you will feel about yourself. With this comes  renewed self-confidence and raised self-esteem.

·         Choose dating activities you like. It's difficult to get excited and enjoy an activity when depressed. Make sure to take the reigns and give your date input regarding what you like to do so that you will enjoy your time together.

·         Use the opportunity to educate. Your date may be unaware and know nothing about mental illness. If so, take a moment and explain it. If he is compassionate and understanding, that's wonderful. If he isn't, move on.

·         Put the brakes on love. If you feel as if you need a break from the dating scene, go ahead and sit it out for awhile, especially if you feel you need some “me” time. You know yourself the best.

·         Ask for God's guidance. Dating is really about finding a potential lifetime partner. It's one of the biggest decisions you will make in life. Pray for His wisdom and you will be surprised at the blessings He will give you.

                                                                                                              Bethany

Thanks Bethany for a great post for our single readers of the Fresh Hope Blog!

Our New Tenets for Fresh Hope: We'd Love Your Input!

In recent months we have been working on our tenets for Fresh Hope.  We have rewritten them.  Below is our final copy.  The blue is read by those with a mood disorder and the green print is read by those who are loved ones.  The black print is ready by everyone together.  Then we usually have one person read the Scripture that follows each of the tenets.  

After an opening prayer we begin each of our meetings with reading the tenets.  I'd be very interested to have your feedback...what do you think of them?  What stands out to you?  

We'd love to hear from you!

 Tenets

The tenets for those with mood disorders are in blue

and the tenets for loved ones are in green

TENET I

My life is affected by a mood disorder and can become unmanageable and hopeless, especially if ignored or untreated.  Therefore, I choose the help and support of others to overcome the struggles and find more joy in life.

My loved one’s mood disorder has also left me feeling helpless and hopeless. Therefore, I choose the help of others in learning about the disorder and choosing healthy boundaries for myself.

Together, we have understanding.  We remind each other of the Lord’s love, and that He alone can do all things.  He is the source of our hope, and in Him we can overcome all things.

“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13 (NIV)

_________

TENET II

My mood disorder has also affected my relationships and the lives of those around me.  Therefore, I choose to overcome for both my own good, and the good of those who love me.

I haven’t always responded to my loved one’s mood disorder in ways that were good for the relationship.  Therefore, I choose to learn better ways to communicate with, support, and encourage my loved one.

Together, we commit to speaking the truth in love, healing broken relationships and viewing each other as the Lord views us.

“So let’s pursue those things which bring peace and which are good for each other.”

Romans 14:19 (God’s Word Translation, 1995)

_________

TENET III

My disorder can become an excuse.  Therefore, I choose to believe I can live a full and rich life in spite of my disorder.  I choose the support of people who will urge me to “push through”.

At times I don’t understand my loved one and can allow them to either wallow in their excuses, or push them too hard.   Therefore I choose to learn healthy, appropriate ways to contribute to my loved one’s recovery.

Together we do better than trying on our own. We will hold one another accountable for learning, growing, and choosing to push through in hope.

“Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up.”  1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

TENET IV

My disorder can lead me to feel hopeless. Therefore, I choose to believe, regardless of my feelings, that there is help and hope for my physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being.

At times I also feel hopeless, letting my loved one’s actions and recovery define my happiness. Therefore, I choose to live with healthy emotional boundaries, and choose my own joy despite the ups and downs of my loved one. 

Together we remind each other that our hope and joy come from the Lord.  He alone is able to fulfill our needs in every aspect of our lives.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

__________

TENET V

 While medicine is a key component in my recovery, it is not the only answer.  Therefore, I choose to explore new ways of thinking and acting in my relationships and daily living.

I too have been part of the cycle of dysfunctional living, either thinking I had all the answers or thinking the problem didn’t belong to me.   Therefore, I choose to submit myself to learning new behaviors and taking responsibility for my own healthy, balanced living.

Together we choose freedom over suffering, and joy in living through self-knowledge in action.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”  II Corinthians 10:5

__________

TENET VI

At times I have allowed myself to become a victim, “defined” by my disorder.  Therefore I choose to overcome and live in hope and joy, in spite of my disorder.

At times, I have viewed myself as a victim of my loved one’s behavior and disorder, causing resentment, anger, unforgiveness, or self pity.  Therefore, I choose to separate the disorder from the person I love, forgive and let go of the past, and live as a contributor to successful recovery.

Together, we share in each other’s victories and celebrate the whole person.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.”  II Timothy 1:7

__________

Our purpose is to encourage one another to choose

God’s fresh hope for our daily life and future.

Who we see here remains confidential.  What is said here stays here.

We don’t judge; nor do we lecture. We listen, we share and we grow.

Needing Your Input

Greetings to all of you!

Recently we received a grant from the KIM Foundation here in Omaha, Nebraska.  The monies from this grant are being used for developing training resources for new Fresh Hope groups. Part of these resources are our group tenets.  So,  I've been re-working our group tenets as they will serve as the outline for a book/workbook as part of these resources.  I'm posting these re-worked tenets in the hopes that you as mental health consumers and loved ones might give me your input.  (I'm also in the process of writing tenets for the loved ones/friends of mental health consumers.)  

These group tenets are read at the beginning of every Fresh Hope group meeting.  The tenet is read by an individual and the italicized statement following is read by the group.

Please give these tenets a read and let me know what you think.  I really appreciate any insight and input that you can offer to make these tenets the best that they can be!

Here they are:

GROUP TENETS

I.              My life is affected by a mood disorder and at times has become unmanageable and hopeless. Therefore, I need the support of others to overcome the daily struggles with these issues and find more joy in my life.

·         We need one another- for we are people who understand. Together we remind one another that Lord loves each of us and that He is the source of the hope that I need.  He alone can do all things and in Him, we can overcome all things.

“I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

II.            My mood disorder has not only affected my life but also the lives of those around me; affecting many of my relationships.  Therefore, I desire to overcome not only for my own good, but also for the good of those who love me.

·         Together we not only help one another in our recovery process but, we also help one another recover broken relationships; making amends where possible.

“So let's pursue those things which bring peace and which

are good for each other.” Romans 14:19

(Translation- God’s Word © 1995)

III.           It is too easy to use my disorder as an excuse for not “pushing through” in my life.  Therefore, I need the support of others who believe that there is hope to live a full and rich life in spite of my disorder and who will urge me to “push through”.

·         Together we do better than trying to do it on our own; we hold one another accountable for “pushing through” and choosing hope.

“Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

IV.          My disorder often leaves me feeling hopeless. Therefore, I choose to believe, in spite of how I might feel, that there is help and hope for my struggle; physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual being.

·         Together we hold one another up in hope.  We offer hope to each other that God has great plans for our lives and will use all of it for our good; even the pain.  In addition, when necessary we give a portion of our hope to those who have no hope.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

V.           While medicine is a key component in my recovery, medicine alone does not solve everything.  Therefore, I choose to gain insight into thinking differently and doing things differently in my relationships and daily living.

·         Joy in living is possible; self-knowledge in action is the key to freedom from suffering over pain.  Therefore, we can choose to gain insight. It’s a choice- an act of our will.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

II Corinthians 10:5

VI.          Too often, I feel like a failure, discouraged and a victim of my disorder.  At times, I have “become” my diagnoses and allowed myself to be defined by it. Therefore, I choose to overcome in spite of my disorder. I choose to be a whole and well-rounded person. I choose to fully live in hope and joy.

·         Together we encourage one another and celebrate our victories.  Together we remind one another that there is so much more to our lives and our beings than our diagnosis. Together we celebrate the whole person.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power

and of love and of a sound mind.”

 II Timothy 1:7

____________

Our purpose is to encourage one another

to choose God’s fresh hope for our daily life and future.

Who we see here remains confidential.

What is said here stays here.

We don’t judge; nor do we lecture.

We listen, we share and we grow.